Heaving and Lurching to the Holidays (but not in the way you think)!
With Christmas only days away, I made a dashing trip to the store to get a head start on all the holiday shopping and preparations. I had my list and my good humor. All was well as I wheeled into the parking lot, found a parking space a moderate distance from the door, and strolled past the bell-ringers, with the good intention of giving something on my way out, of course. (Hint to bell-ringers: people have a higher proclivity for giving on their way in the store than on their way out).
I pulled a cart from the line and plopped my purse in the child seat. I smiled at the cheery Christmas music playing over the loudspeaker system and the colorful sales displays. As this was the large discount store that I routinely frequent, I took my habitual route, covering the pharmacy area first. It was there that I discovered that when I turned a corner, my buggy did not necessarily turn with me. Oh well, a little heave and lurch and I was at the cough drops. (Hint to shoppers: check the mobility of your cart before leaving the cart area).
Now I faced the first of many bewildering choices, which is not a problem except for those who are indecisive, which I am. Did I want cherry, lemon, or herbal; or natural, soothing, or effective, or brand-name or generic, or with vitamin C, E, or zinc? I closed my eyes and grabbed a bag.
Another heave and lurch, and I rounded the corner and the glorious Christmas display came in view: stockings and gift tins, bright wrapping and tinsel, trees and even a Santa. As I approached, I could see that Santa looked a little depressed and a lot bored, as there were no kids about and a long day ahead. I gave him a sympathetic smile as I heaved and lurched past him to the gift-wrapping supplies. (Hint to shoppers: don’t get too friendly with Santa, as he can be desperate for adult conversation and detain you for hours).
I emerged from the Christmas area some time later after determining, with difficulty, that I needed the assortment of gift boxes, the assortment of gift tags, the assortment of tissue paper, and the assortment of gift wrap. Whoever thought of the assortment packaging was a marketing genius.
While passing the paint station, I decided to take the plunge and choose just the right shade for the back bathroom, as I planned to quickly paint it during my spare time on Christmas break. (Hint to homeowners: do not plan home improvement projects during the holidays). After scrutinizing the 63 different shades of beige, rose, and peach for half an hour, I couldn’t decide. I furtively pocketed the entire selection of color cards and made a beeline for house wares.
Safe territory at last! I could quickly pick up some gifts and finally make some progress. Blankets make great gifts, and I had noticed an earlier display of reasonably priced plush blankets in an array of colors and sizes. I was not the only one. The lady at the other end of the aisle had noticed them too. We had a stare down and fought a wordless battle for the last queen-sized blue blanket. Let’s just say I emerged from the fray with a full-sized brown blanket, and was happy to get it.
A few heaves and lurches later, and I arrived at the electronics department. Great gifts to be had all around, but they could wait. I might even skip the store-bought gifts this year. Who wants DVDs, cell phones, or cameras when they can have something homemade to treasure always? Never mind, don’t answer that question.
On the grocery side, I lurched along fairly efficiently, only because I’ve done it a thousand times: eggs and milk, chips and detergent, and so on. I even remembered to pick up a fly swatter in the cleaning aisle. I was increasingly hungry, so I grabbed a few dozen tempting items from the frozen food cases. (Hint to shoppers: do not shop for food while famished). One more pass through the deli, and I was on my way!
The aroma of the lemon pepper chicken ambushed me. I balanced one on top of the paper towels and headed for the checkout. It was time to be brave, so I heaved and lurched into the self-checkout line. With the help of the entire store management and divine intervention, it only took thirty minutes to scan and pay for my purchases.
The disorientation set in on the way out the door. Mental exhaustion and physical hunger had taken their toll. The sickening realization that I had forgotten the toilet paper and where I had parked overtook me. I purposely headed toward the parking lot anyway.
Witnesses later reported seeing a distraught woman, with disheveled hair and haggard eyes, doing the heave and lurch with her shopping buggy in circles around the parking lot. Most kindly averted their eyes and went on their way. They knew that next time, it could be them.
Disclaimer: All products, persons, and places alluded to in this writing bear little actual resemblance to anything, anybody, or any place anywhere that had any real part in this most unfortunate experience.
© 2024 Joyce Martin. All rights reserved
Note: None of my content is AI generated. Ever.
Thank you for reading! Please subscribe below!
You may also find my writing on joyous Road on Substack & Joyce Martin on Medium
If you would like to support my writing, please do so here: https://buymeacoffee.com/joycemartin
Joyousroad's Weblog 